Fake Fanatics

Bobby Orr is the best hockey player of all time.  I know this because my dad says so.

I am a girl.  What I know and care about in regards to hockey, comes from how I was raised.  My dad is a REAL hockey man.  He isn't interested in memorizing stats, and he couldn't care less about placing bets.  He doesn't prance around wearing his favourite team's jersey on game days, nor does he declare his love for the game with an obnoxious mini flag stuck in the window of his truck.  But that man, actually knows hockey.  He played it...he loves it.

Tonight marked the beginning of the 2012 NHL Playoffs.  As I was preparing to cook supper, I turned the T.V. on and clicked to a hockey game.  Philly at Pittsburgh.  Sure, Sidney Crosby is cute, but I mostly just like to have a game on in the background while I do other things around the house because it reminds me of my dad.  My roommate had a man friend over for some kind of visit, and as he does have quite good manners he decided to strike up some small talk.

Dude: "Did your team make it this year?"

Me: "I don't have a team."

Dude: "Well, who do you cheer for."

Me: "I don't really cheer for anyone.  I just watch, or listen."

Dude: "I know Sydney Crosby."

Me: "I know Jesus Christ."

OK, so I didn't really say that last line, but I wanted to.  I'm confident that my statement would have had more truth to it than his.

The point isn't to tear into the poor boy mentioned above.  He is kind and innocent, and surely couldn't have been super comfortable around me.  Bless his little heart.  He simply reminded me of all the fake fanatics out there.  Please, give it up.

Offender #1: The Stats Reporter.

This is the guy who knows every number of goals, assists, games played, ect. from every player in the history of the game.  It doesn't stop there either.  He knows the injuries, the trades, and the tabloid headlines and rattles on about it all to anyone with a pulse.  Don't put it past him to know the names of player's pets.  This guy is essentially a stalker and a creep and in no way whatsoever is he a functioning part of society.  He has never played hockey, and wouldn't know how to tie a pair of skates if his life depended on it.  Unless it is specifically in your job description to know all of this crap...it is not OK.

Offender #2: The Vid Kid

He has blood shot eyes and it's likely a combo of weed and AE Sports NHL 2012.  This guy may or may not have blisters on his thumbs from mashing buttons, and definitely has a weird ring around his head from his live-gaming head set.  That hair will also be greasy, because he chooses video games over general hygiene.  To sum it up, if he talks the talk, but the only playing he does is done while sitting on one of those oddly shaped rocking chair things...he is an offender.

And finally, the most frustrating fake fanatic of all...

Offender #3: The Chick with a Stick

We all know of one.  May god have mercy on your soul if you have to deal with more than one.  This girl "Totally loves the shit out of hockey".  She claims her 'happy place' is watching the game with beer and pizza, wearing sweats and no make-up.  You will notice her nodding her head and agreeing in all conversations about hockey.  She doesn't know shit.  The reality is, this chick cares just as much about hockey as the rest of us...minimally.  She simply wants guys to think she is super cool so they will marry her, at which point she will likely give up the facade and go back to chick flicks and Arbor Mist.

Here is the truth: I take an interest in hockey because it gives me and my dad something to talk about that my mom and sister can't.  I turn a hockey game on, because I like the background noise.  I PVR Oil Change because I was once told that there was a millisecond glimps of my friend near the end.  I will go to a hockey game if the tickets are free, but I won't wear a jersey because...I'm not a fanatic.  Plus, those things don't do a damn thing for my figure.

*To my male colleagues: PLEASE take me off your mailing list for "Playoff Picks".  I'd honestly much rather receive those e-mails from Russia explaining how to collect my inheritance.