Hear That? Me Neither!

Have you ever slept with a fan?  I'm not referring to a person who is enthusiastic about an interest.  Nope.  I'm talking about a blower of air.  I'm sure psychologists around the world could come up with all sorts of negative diagnoses of my neurosis, but I sleep with a fan every night and do not plan on stopping! 

Since I was a small child possibly as young as age 4, I have been obsessed with falling asleep to the steady sound of an electric fan.  At first I was only allowed to have a small fan in my room on warm summer nights.  I specifically remember one evening when I asked my mom if it was hot enough for a fan, and as soon as she nodded I immediately told her I was tired and wanted to go to sleep right away.  I was about 5 years old, it was 6 pm, and the sun was still shining.  That's how much I loved sleeping with a fan then, and like any true love, my fan love continued to grow every day.  I am now 24 years old, and sleep with a roaring jet engine like fan right beside my bed...365 days a year.  Yep.  I'm a grown adult who needs a sound-making sleeping aid...Because it drowns everything out!  The TV in the living room, dishes clinking in the kitchen, neighbor man mowing his grass at 6 am.  EVERYTHING!

I live in what is considered the "Getto" of Red Deer, Lower Fairview.  My condo is pretty fantastic and because of it's location, my rent is rediculously low.  I figured I'm a pretty tough bitch, so I signed the lease.  I hear a wide variety of sketchy sounds on the regular that I could really do without.  Some days I can overhear a classic white trash domestic dispute going down across the parking lot.  A few months ago I heard a SWAT team bust into the condo above me.  Why...just yesterday evening I heard 3 gun shots (I quickly discovered that they were in fact fireworks, but not before shitting my pants just a little).  Those kind of sounds are easy enough to escape from during the day when I can leave my house, but when the night is upon me even within my own apartment walls I might fall subject to obnoxious and uncomfortable sounds (my roommate and her man friend bumping uglies)...IF I didn't have my fan! 

Thank god for my Aloha Breeze.  Without it I may be forced to choose between cheap rent in a nice condo, and...sleep and sanity. 

If you have trouble sleeping, or live in the Getto, or have a jerk partner with a snoring condition who can't figure out how to successfully snort Dristan...please be advised - ANYTHING you don't want to hear can be downed out with the right high-powered fan.  

The only problem is...when I find myself stuck in one of those super irritating one-sided conversations, with someone who is carrying on about something that interests me less than water chestnuts...I end up dangerously close to inviting them into my bed!

*The Aloha Breeze can be found at the following locations: Walmart, Canadian Tire, Home Depot, Home Building Centre, Zellers*

WARNING: May significantly increase electric bill.

Get Me the Flick Outta Here!

Last week my sister and I went on a vacation together.  Now that I am home, getting some rest, and thinking back on our 4 day trip to Las Vegas...it wasn't a "vacation" at all.  It was exhausting!  Firstly, spending any more than 24 hours with my sister is a bit strenuous, regardless of the location.  She LOVES to shop, dress up fancy, and requires more attention than Commoner Kate.  Secondly, the Vegas Strip is so long that I think I put in more than enough cardio for all of 2011 in just 4 days there!  After a full day of walking and shopping up and down those 5 miles on Las Vegas Boulevard, my feet were almost too swollen to stuff into my "dress up fancy" shoes.  Thirdly, I have never before spent so much energy turning down men!  Now before you go getting all judgmental on me thinking that I am over-confident or just erroneously flattering myself...keep reading.

On average in Vegas, every 20 square feet you will find a different man recruiting women to whichever night club he works for.

"You girls goin' out tonight?"..."Hey ladies, what club you wanna hit tonight?"..."No line, no cover, free drinks"..."Pure, Surrender, LA X, The Bank"...

With those cat-call like lures, you also hear the forever flicking of cards.  These men are armed with thick stacks of "VIP cards" for each and every night club under the Vegas sky.  They flick those things like they get paid per flick.  Flick-flick-flick-flick-flick.  As we later learned, they actually get paid per girl.  If they can get your name and number to put on their VIP list, they literally get paid by you entering the club that night.  The theory behind it is quite smart really.  As my Asian Boss Man's wife once told me, "Where there are women...the men will follow.".  If the club is busting with chicks, men will be lined up around the block.  Lined up to pay the $40 cover charge and buy the $15 dollar drinks, all for the 1% chance that they might get laid.  Likely better odds than they are used to back home in Rainbow Lake, Alberta.

Speaking of getting laid...Why don't all these horny dudes just grab one of the hooker cards that are also being handed out like free candy from a pervert at a playground?  In Vegas the girls get offered VIP passes to clubs, and the men get offered dirty sex that they have to pay for.  Since I am a female, I was never offered one of the hooker cards.  I saw the people wearing shirts that said...HOT SEXY GIRLS, but they never flicked their cards at me, nor did they cat-call.  I wonder what they say to the men...?

"You guys wanna put your dick in a stranger tonight?"..."Hey brotha, your wife at home right?"..."Yo! Might not even catch an STD, maybe."..."Latino, Asian, blond, red head, short, tall, fat, skinny" FLICK-FLICK-FLICK-FLICK-FLICK  How do those people make their money?  When a guy enters the hooker?  Hookers scare me, and at the same time I just feel bad for them.

At the MGM Grand, there is an indoor lion habitat.  At any given time you will find 3 lions on display in the thick glass enclosure.  At first I felt bad for the lions.  Then I listened to the live voice through the surrounding speakers and learned that the MGM lions in fact have quite a nice life.  They live on a lovely farm just outside of Vegas and get rotated into the MGM for no more than 5 hours at a time.  The habitat is sound proof and kept very clean, and the lions get to nap and feast on juicy steaks all the time! Don't you think it would be smart for one of the hotels to unveil a hooker habitat?  The hookers could just relax in their well-kept enclosure.  They could bathe properly, and get some rest in clean beds.  They would have stripper poles instead of trees, as to feel more comfortable.  They could eat healthy food, and maybe mix in some Nicorette in place of the Marlboros.  Then the tourists and sightseers of Vegas could watch them up close and personal...but be completely safe on the other side of the thick glass walls!  The tree-huggers would be thrilled if they knew I came up with a way to promote hookers without printing off millions of those damn flick cards!

See...my vacation truly was fatiguing.  Endless miles of walking, thousands of dollars spent shopping, infinite catering to my sister, avoiding the flick cards and their over-assertive holders, and mapping out genesis hooker habitat hotel plans.  I didn't need to play any slots or blackjack...making it out alive was gamble enough for me.  I think my next vacation should be somewhere a bit more relaxing, calm, and low-key than the fabulous Las Vegas.  When are Canadians allowed to fly to Libya again?

Veto My Vote!

I was brought up on the far right side of what is commonly known as the political spectrum; conservative.  Things were either right or wrong, black or white...Dad's way or the Hi-way.  There really wasn't room in the Platt house for politics, and if it did sneak in for a visit here or there it was shuffled out the door quicker than an unwanted relative.  The point is, I will be the first to admit that I am politically ignorant.  I know about Obama, Osama, and Oprah, but it doesn't go much further than that...and that's how I like it.  (If you are extremely passionate about politics, take that as a warning that you aren't going to enjoy reading further)

Apparently there is an election coming up.  Federal?  Provincial?  Who gives a shit?  I don't know, because I don't care.  I do however, work with an individual who DOES give a shit.  In fact, he damn near makes it his job to let the entire office know just how MUCH he DOES care.  His name is Joe.  Joe knows I don't vote.  

Around 4:40 PM today, Joe decided to strike up another one of his political debates.  He informed me of the new "genius" media campaign that was recently launched to once again encourage young adults to vote.  As per usual when Joe refers to things of no interest to me, I was silent...at first.  But as he rambled on about it being my right to vote, I closed my word document and opened my mouth.  I told him that no matter what kind of genius campaign has been thought of to force voting upon me like a rapist forcing sex...I still wasn't going to vote.  The frustration that instantly dominated his face made me giggle inside, and honestly fueled me to continue.  I explained to Joe that because I know so little about politics I am actually doing our world a favor by staying home on election day.  Do we really want a bunch of plumbers performing brain surgery?  I don't think so.  This analogy should be no insult to a plumber.  No matter how kick-ass that plumber is with drainage systems and water fixtures, we aren't about to sign him up for a Craniotomy any time soon.  Can you imagine the mess?!  It would be catastrophic really.  Having said that...a plumber is more than welcome to apply for med school if brain surgery is something he wants to dabble into. 

Joe didn't even flinch at my well-played analogy, so...I folded.  I told him if he bought me an ice cream afterward, I'd vote.  It was almost 5 PM anyway and I didn't want to miss my tanning appointment due to plumbers nor politics.

I have always hated censorship.  If I have something to say, I will say it.  When I can form an educated opinion I will present it.  If you ask me to vote on which heels look better with your little red dress...I WILL vote!  I consider myself an expert on shoes.  But with freedom of speech and the power to vote, also comes the responsibility to know when to keep quiet.  And when it comes to legislatures and lobbying, reform and residuals...I'm going to exercise my right to remain silent.